Ugh. I don't know why I even did this.

I'll be expecting the hate notes when I get home.

Well bring them.

I'm used to such things.  And can often handle the hate notes calmly enough;

---------------------------The below is basically a rant and an outlet.----------------------------------

If you take it to heart? Not my problem.  I'm in that mood where burning a bridge is a better idea than saving it, because it can be rebuilt elsewhere.





Before reading, Be warned, reader.

I am feeling quite hateful today.

And I am so tired of people ripping on me for being sucky at managing my time and getting shit together;


I'm not one of those, "WHYYYY DON'T I HAVE ANY FRIEEEENDS?!" People.

I -know- why I lack friends.


And frankly, with how most of my 'friends' have turned out, I don't see why I'd want any.


I fucking SUCK at this "real person" shit.
Know what I do almost every time I'm invited somewhere with 'friends'?

I get stuck walking alone,  not from lack of trying, but because I give up trying to talk to anyone.

I get it.

I'm a god damned monster.  I've known this for years.  But it isn't necessary to remind me how awful I am.

If I'm  not wanted around?

I'll leave. I'm not about to throw a fit and fight for a prolonged tolerance of my crappy behavior when it comes to getting things together.

--------------------------------------

When did things become so complicated.

Were I used to having people wanting me around, likely I'd be better at managing my life to bring such occurrences around.

It would also be easier were I living alone and not with a mother who grates my very nerves against steel spikes every chance she has.

I cannot recall the last time she even gave me permission to allow one over.


Not to mention our own problems merely getting gas in the car to go places;  I'm lucky I even get to go to Assimilation the times I do.

I am not into begging, so I am not going to ask for rides from people, only to feel silly for doing so.


My room is an utter chaotic mess.

All I have in here is my computer, a small window-shelf, my 90's television, and a bed.  My two closets are filled with boxes and clothes, so I don't exactly have a place to put everything so my floor is littered.


My sewing station? Crammed into a corner in the living room I can barely fit in with how much room I need to work.


The place is awash in the scent of ash and old cigarettes, from my mother's amazingly horrible smoking habit.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hold people in disdain.


They sicken me.


I am often amazed at  how many faces in the crowd look exactly the same with no idea what all goes on.

I hate nearly everyone I meet, merely for reasons to keep them away.

I get talked down to a lot due to my anxiety and over all inability to get my shit together to see someone.

Ex: Friend Deathy finally broke down and ripped my head off.

I can accept her dislike and anger.  I don't think it's undeserved.

But I will not be called a liar, a whore, or any of that other hateful nonsense.


Yeah.
I fucking SUCK at getting my shit together, and making things happen.
  The only thing is.
Now? For me?

Something happened this week that moved everything for the better.

I was in a good mood, ready to make shit happen, once I got this certain thing settled, it seemed to fall into place.


Now I question why I even bothered.

I don't have everything needed for something grand.

I work with what I have.

I literally have not even a dollar to my name.

Yes. It takes me a long time. I'm often finishing things at the last minute.

I often finish my renaissance dress in the night before the Ren. Faire, and sleep just two hours before getting up to go.

And even then?

I had to work on my ex-mate's costume as well. Alone.  No help.  Cut the leather, boil it, shape it, print it. Stitch it.  Make a pair of pants for someone who won't stand still in two hours with no idea what I'm doing.



Ugh. I'm all aggravated now.  I want to just tell my father, "Fuck it. I can't go with you, Dad, Because I've pissed someone -else- off."


Know what?

Screw it.  If anyone wants to contact me, I'll be spending -my- Halloween Struggling over what the hell I can make with my lack of funds and limited fabrics.  I won't even likely be going anywhere.  I'll do it because I can.



"I'm not Violent.  I'm just repressing every desire that comes unnaturally to me to smash your face into the wall to make modern art."